Speaking out about Rape on TV

This site and I were featured on the ABC News Program 20/20 on Feb. 15, 1999, and again in July of 2000. The topic was about how Tori Amos helps rape survivors.

Read about my experience below. If you would like to read more about the segment on 20/20 or see a transcript, please visit Mikewhy's 20/20 page on the Dent. Also, Nicole Peradotto's Buffalo News article of January 5th, focusing on Tori and the segment, can be found here (once again, courtesy of the Dent).

You can download an MP3 (audio-only) of the segment by right clicking here and saving the file.

12/6/98
It amazes me how sometimes good things happen when you least expect them, when you're rewarded for doing something that you have no choice but to do; how sometimes fate tries to make up for things; how occasionally you get exactly what you need, though not necessarily what you want. And how sometimes what you need is what you want.

Almost two months ago, I received an e-mail from someone who claimed to be from ABC News. She gave me an 800 number, and though I was skeptical, I decided to take a chance and call her. I spoke to a wonderful woman named Dana who told me about her story idea: to attempt to find out how Tori Amos affects rape and sexual abuse survivors, through RAINN, her speaking openly about it, and songs like Me and a Gun and Silent All These Years. She confirmed that she works for 20/20 and that she would be presenting the story idea to a producer and correspondent.

Dana told me that she wanted the story to help to erase stigma, and that it was important that the survivors being interviewed were not disguised in any way. The thought of putting my face on national TV to talk about such a sensitive subject was terrifying, yet at the same time liberating. For the first time since it happened, it would be okay to talk about the rape. It would be accepted for me to share how I felt. It would be expected for me to show the pain that he caused me.

I agreed to do the story. After much waiting and wondering, I was flown into New York City to interview with Elizabeth Vargas, the correspondent. I was once again terrified, but I brought my friend Michelle with to keep my sanity. We were picked up the next day and brought to the studio, where I met the producer and cameramen. The filming that day was mainly of my webpage.

The next day I was able to meet the other two survivors, both of RAINN, who were being interviewed. It was wonderful to be around such amazing and strong women with whom I had so much in common. Their support was invaluable during such a difficult day. We were brought back to the studio and introduced to Ms. Vargas. I was the first to be interviewed. They were very intent on discovering exactly what it is that Tori does to give survivors strength and hope. Of course, finding words to answer that question was next to impossible. That day I shared with the world my story of survival in hopes that the people who need to know that they are not alone will see it. I tried my hardest not to cry...but lost it a couple times, first when I was telling my story. She really wanted to find out what it was in Tori that helped me so much. It was so hard to try to put that into words. I used a lot of Tori lyrics to make my points, mainly from Silent and Me and a Gun. I broke down again when she asked me what the one thing I wanted to tell Tori was. How do you answer that one? I did my best, though. I'm really interested in seeing what they air. I was interviewed for about 45 minutes, and the entire segment will be only 15 minutes.

After the interviews, we went back to our hotel to get ready for the Tori concert in Newark, NJ that we were being brought to. Since we were told that we were being brought backstage, I was nervous as hell. We arrived at the beautriful venue around 6pm. We were led into the green room where we turned on a monitor to find that we could watch Tori's soundcheck. She sang Mary and Talula several times, and we also saw part of Spark. After what seemed like an eternity, we were taken to Tori's dressing room....only to wait outside for another eternity. Joel, Tori's bodyguard, calmed us down and told us that Tori's energy would relax us soon. Finally the producer told us that we could go in.

I followed him into Tori's dressing room and there she was...right next to me, the woman who has saved my life so many times, the woman whose voice helped me to find my own. For so long she has been my best friend, the one who keeps me company when I have nightmares, the one who validates every emotion I feel. I hugged her and introduced myself. We all sat down and she asked how we were...I said I was terrified. Tori decided we needed a lip gloss boost so she dug through her purse to find some delicious vanilla flavored gloss which she shared ("don't worry, I don't have any diseases you can see"). I felt a lot better with Tori-lip gloss on :) We spent a few moments just chatting, looking at Tori's wedding ring, and talking about random things.

Kelly, another survivor, asked Tori a question, and then it was my turn. I needed to thank Tori for all she has done for me. The tears were rolling down my face as she held my hand and told me that I was strong, that I was amazing, that I saved myself. For awhile, at least, I believed her. The 20/20 cameras were asked to leave, and then the real magic began as we all shared with each other. The four of us were sitting there, clutching each other's hands and strength, drying each other's tears, and we were all equal. It wasn't Tori, the musical superstar, and three of her obsessed fans; it was four equals, all fighting the same demons and holding on to each other. Tori shared with us so much, and that meant more to me than anything else. She convinced me that she needed us just as much as we needed her. All four of us were sobbing, and that beautiful moment will remain in my memory forever.

After spending nearly half an hour with Tori, it was time to leave. We took a few pictures and Tori autographed for us (on mine, she wrote "shannon - we'll get there together. tori"). I gave her a final hug, and we left for the green room. We watched the Unbelievable Truth on the monitor, then found our seats. Before the show, I got to spend some time with an amazing friend (heidi!). We then went to our seats.

Before the show began, we were told by the producer that we could rush the stage during the first song if we wanted to. We ended up exactly in Tori's line of vision, about 15 feet from her. The setlist she played was amazing, made better only by her intense eye contact.

precious things
god
girl
hotel
past the mission
sugar
yes anastasia
merman
baker, baker
little earthquakes
crucify
black dove
the waitress

I swear Tori was trying to kill us with some of the songs she played. I'm very happy, however, with what we heard. With no requests (save Little Earthquakes) she played exactly what I wanted--no, needed--to hear. The feeling of watching her sing, knowing what we had just talked about, and being surrounded by such amazing people, was indescribable.

After the concert, I said good-bye to Heidi and we were feeling a little let-down after such an incredible three days. We spent our last evening walking around Manhattan and ordering pizza at 3 in the morning. After two hours of sleep, we all boarded our respective planes and returned home.

My week was incredible. Tori's depth and my admiration of her was increased so much. I made new incredible friends. I got to see two of my biggest dreams come to fruition, mainly having the chance to thank Tori for all she has done...and she thanked me back equally. We need each other, she kept saying, and I can finally believe her. I will never forget that day.

The aftermath of my doing this has been trying as well. It's so difficult for people to understand that just because I was able to share my story on national television doesn't mean that I am comfortable talking to everyone...people don't know the difference between talking to a stranger and sharing with your best friend. It's easier to tell a camera about a rape than your mother.

The segment on 20/20 should air within a month or so, probably in late December or January '99. I will be sure to let you all know. It was so cathartic to be able to talk, without feeling like I was saying things that no one wants to hear. For a few days, I wasn't ashamed. I didn't have to shut up. I wasn't afraid. I could finally hear the voice that has been silent all these years, a voice that was loud and clear. Though I got what I needed and wanted, I hope more that seeing three women share the most intimate part of themselves will help others find what they need.